I learned to love everything, my failures too, not because that it taught me something out of it but gave me some feed for my thought process to write. One such failure-like is scratching my head as if I want to put a hole in my head (some spot where it would not pain) and make it a vent for all such negative feels. I’m searching for content so that my bloody brain would get consoled. Holy-crap, consoling brain is so tough, it puts hell lot of questions and forgets it is the one responsible for getting answers for all those. When there is hell lot of problems around me, my problems looks very big for me.
“Follow your dreams” many told me, books taught me so I followed my dream but how do I tell all those who said “follow your dreams” that there are hell lot of signals in the city and every time I miss my dream in one or the other signal.
Everyday I wake up; I say, it’s going to be a good day, but finally the day sucks. When I never bothered about anybody world looked very empty and when I cared about everybody world looked lovely but I bothered just about only one, I felt like ‘let the dooms day come’. Expectations, suggestions, paranoids around me make me feel very down and I go very down to earth and sometimes I feel I can even go inside the earth.
When I thought, that I need not prove ’I am good’ at least a few thought that I am good but when I want to prove that I am good, to one alone, the life becomes complicated. Wandering mind and pondering hearts are really dangerous, it finally lands up in the place where you want to get out, but that will be the place you love the most and hurt to the most. This is a good learning, if I go behind just one, the one will always go forward and you will always be back. That’s fine what am I going to do going ahead of the one I love.
Experiments, experiments and experiments thought out my life. Every experiment sucked and I still didn’t stop doing experiments. Nothing gave me excitement other than me thinking that I am doing what I love to do. When I retrospect, I question myself “whether I have grown insane?” Every aspect, I filled with experiments, in my education, journeys, travels, relationships, quiet sometimes with death, martial arts, my good will, possessions, obsessions, sleep, sedatives, health, crucially I did experiments with my love and job. And I went bankrupt in both.
It is said that ‘if something happens once will not happen again but if it’s twice, for sure the third time’. And I succeeded in few things once and holy crap, it’s never happening again. And all my failures, I do not have a count of it.
Ok! Am I going to stop my experiments? No, never.
Why? For x, y, z reasons that has became a part of my mannerism and attitude. Or at least it my life, just one life, I do not want give chances of doing experiments with to anybody else, but me.
I could hear you say “Bloody, if you don’t change you will suck”. Hmm! Let me do some experiments with that too ;) All is well.