An encounter with fear

I saw my mom and dad talking to a pastor, we are not Christians so I could not find a reason for a pastor to visit my home and too I am not in the house where I live, it is a house in my native village where I was brought up.  I found hard to speak or shout or move from the place where I was standing few yards away from them.  An unknown emotion which I could not explain, I get Goosebumps even now when I get it that in to my head.  It was strong force which is pulling me towards it.  I was not allowed to move, it made me to stand still.  I could see all the things around me but could not react to anything.  An intense fear arose and my heart beat rapidly increased I could not breathe, I could not shout, every feeling in me got stuck half the way.  I wanted to shout ‘somebody save me’ but I could not do.

  I saw my mom, dad and the priest walk across me and moving out from the home.  In a minute nobody was there in the home, my fear increased, my eyes blurred, my hands started shivering, and my legs started trembling.  I felt I am pulled towards darkness, kind of devil though I could not see.    The feel somebody would get at the last moment of their death, I felt.

The home I was talking about is where I spent my entire childhood, slept, played, enjoyed, read, cried, laughed and did all mischief.  Meanwhile two of my cousins came to this world.  They were very small when I was well grown.  I cared them more than as my brothers.  And the youngest one was very close to my soul.  I cared him like as if I carried him and gave birth.  He loved me more than his father and his mother.  With few family problems I was separated from him.  In my life the happiest days I spent is with him.  

 And one day he took all my happiness with him to heaven without even telling me that he is leaving.  His voice, his sweetness, the wetness of his kiss, his milky smell, nothing left from my soul, nothing.  And his dead rose body, my tears, his face which I saw for the last time before he was buried, nothing left my brain, nothing.

I stood nearing the death, nearing the darkness in the same home.  Nobody was around and my fear is killing me, my brain went blank,  I tried to move my legs, my hands, my lips hundred times but I could not move then a bit. 

I closed my eyes I said ‘Mother’.  I am a devotee of The Mother (Mother Mirra Alfassa) of Pondicherry Sri Arobindo Ashram; I closed my eyes and said ‘Mother’.  I tried hard to move my legs, I succeeded and my vocal-chord helped me to shout my fears.  I didn’t call for help instead I shouted ‘Mother, Mother, Mother…’   with all my energy with all my force I could I tried to move towards the picture of Mother I pasted in the wall few yards away but I could not move my hands and when I see I found it was been tied with a Saree hanging from the roof, something like a cradle we use for babies. I tried and tried and tried to move as much as close to the portrait, shouting ‘Mother…’ and I somehow managed to move very closer to the portrait and everything vanished.  I was released from cradle in which I was tied; I was release from my fear with which my legs and throat were tied. 

‘You do not need a portrait or an image, you neither need to touch it; God is in your faith’ a voice said.  I know it the voice I often hear, my guardian angels voice.  

 I went out from the home and called my dad to know where he is and saw him walking back from somewhere and in other ten minutes my dad and mom was next to me discussing about something which is very unrelated.  I didn’t tell them whatever has happened. 

I opened my eyes and sat in my bed.  I understood everything was just a mere dream, a nightmare.  I am supposed to sweat but I didn’t, my heart supposed to beat fast but it didn’t.  Everything was normal and the restlessness I had for three or four days vanished.  All my fear vanished.   I felt free and an euphoric air embraced me. 

I closed my eye, sitting, and in my vision I saw my little son – my brother, walking on the road away from me, from my home.  I called him to stop, but again the voices said do not stop him.  You are holding him to go for years together, now let him free.  He belongs to God.  I stopped calling him.

No fear, no restlessness, only love remained.  

Cinderella in my dream

…deep sleep, do not know even if I am snoring (how will I know, I am sleeping) somebody patted me.  I said thanks I am already sleeping.  Patting stopped and there was a loud but soft voice.  Oh! Lullaby, I am sleeping already I said again.   The voice became noise.  Oh! It is not a lullaby somebody is waking me up.  

‘I open my eyes to see my dreams are scattered here on the floor' Hey! that’s the line from Enrique's song.  How stupid I am to remember that line in mid night I said myself.  

‘You are really a stupid’ continued the voice ‘its evening not midnight’ said the voice.  Oh! That is ok, I replied.  I opened my eyes to see a beautiful girl in white dress as if coming directly to my home from a ball.  ‘Who are you’ I enquired.  She showed her glittering glass shoes. 

‘What! Sales girl?’ I asked.

‘You’re really a stupid I feel, no wonder why your English teacher made you kneel down in most of her classes’ she said.

‘What non-sense! Why are you reminding those things, I am going school no more’ I said

‘Of Course I know, you’re grown up and not going to school also not learning anything’ she replied.

‘Now, what is the problem? Who let you inside? And who are you?’ I asked her again

‘Cinderella’ she replied.

‘Oh! Cinderella! What a surprise’ I exclaimed.  She smiled beautifully and said ‘Yes, Cinderella’

‘But!’

‘What but?’ she asked

‘That was very long years ago I read about you, and how come you still didn’t grow?’ I asked

‘Hey I belong to the world of fairy tales, we don’t grow old’ she said

‘Funny!’ I laughed ‘ok tell me what is the matter, why are you here?’ I asked

‘I am on my way home, flying.  I found you dreaming about a fairy so dropped in to check out who you are’ she replied.

‘Is that so? Hey wait my daughter want to see you. 

Oh! I forgot her name, can’t you see I am struggling why you can’t help me figure out her name!

Wait let me call my wife first she will bring my daughter.  Believe me she is more beautiful than you.

Oh! How dumb I am I forgot my wife’s name too.  Did you do any magic to make me forget names?” I said

‘You are a ridiculous, pathetic human’ she said

‘What! Why do you say so?’ I replied

‘Damned, you do not have a kid’ she replied

‘Oh! Is it so’ I replied

‘Yes of course, you are not married too’ she said

‘Oh! What is happening to me, am I gone mad?’  I cried out.

‘Oh! Not now, long back’ she giggled

‘Hmmm, anyways.  Since you have come let me present you my diamond ring, here you go’ I said and tried to remove my ring from my left hand ring finger.  I didn’t find a ring there. ‘Hey, I lost my ring somewhere, wait let me search it should be somewhere here in the bed’ I said and searched.

‘Hello, wait.  What is its cost?’ she asked.

‘Hmm, Hhumm I cannot recollect’ I said

‘Ok, get one first’ she giggled and pinched me in my cheek. 

I shouted and woke up from my bed.   

Oh I am day dreaming.

img crtsy : google.com

Silent Eyes...

-sathish

I draw...

I draw after very long years, just to keep my self away from thinking and thinking and thinking so that i do not get exhausted,.and too, to put few things out of my mind and finally this is what I did

-No better meditation-

...a drop of tear

…my universe totally collapsed.  Alike a black hole that makes everything around a black hole, pulling in to it with intensity and greater velocity, when I was about to look at her broken wand and the crown in black it holds she chanted few spells which I heard –I thought whether is that is for me to hear to tell me 'sure, come not anymore near' – I deciphered the croon and interpretation said the she is on her way to become not mine anymore but someone’s soon in sometime.  Hearing which a plate of mirror interrupted between my sight and her, I thought I am going blind near so I closed my eyes to check if I am alright and when I opened my lashes at the edge of my eyes something popped out and I felt its wet… oh, it is a drop of tear.

In a year, I know not why she could not feel what I feel for her, what I felt for her, what I want to feel for her.  Dreaming about being together for centuries together made no sense in a minute in which she said something that makes sense that she soon will be someone’s. 

My blood pumping fool, the one that is caged in my ribs was throbbing, each of its vein suffered vain and intense pain.  Why is it been caged since it is created! I wondered many times but I reasoned it out only when it throbbed to jump out to her feet.

Hearts are concrete walls not, hard wooden doors not, with iron sheath not but made up of softest petals of flower bud.  No knock could open, no hit could open, and no furnace could melt.  Only warmness felt in name of love alike the sun that make a flower to bloom, could open the heart – I learned.  You tried not to open my heart neither knocked it anytime still I opened it for you just because I felt the warmness of love which you made me to feel with you presence around.  Damn! Now I still feel the warmness but my heart throbs.

Why did you come into my life!
To teach me love or to teach me that love is not what I am thinking so far.  And why you never thought about staying in my life! Are you afraid that with all your teachings I will become the wisest of the world!

You made me feel that I am capable not of been loved and capable not to love.  I still have years before I die I could find some way to make myself capable of love and to be loved. 

You are what I write, you are the why I changed; you are the reason I smiled.  Not one day, not one hour, even not one second you left my brain since the day I saw me in you, the day you saw me with your smile.

Not one day will come you will feel down, you will fall down, you feel alone -  I pray. If you think of me one day, may be when you are about to feel down, about to fall down, about to feel alone just pronounce my name for the first time in my life time and turn back, where ever I am, whatever I am, whomever I am I will be there for you when you turn. 

You taught me not how to love but love.   I realize I now want to wait for a incarnation more to make you feel that you my soul, my soul mate, which is not something new for me but I pray, my creator to make me the way you love though he betrayed me this time.

Though you loved me not; thanks for the hatred you showed towards me at least for which I crossed your mind once or twice.  

With Love.

  

Magic...

Magic… there is not two things called the heaven and hell, if you were in love you would have understood both are one and the same. 

We search for a hot place to stay or try to make it hot where we stay when too much of chillness embrace you in the winter and we want the place to chill when too much of heat warms you in summer.  Now, which one to compare it to heaven and hell, should I say both are one in two and the two in one.  That is how, when I close my eyes, lay down in the evening sun when no hell or heaven chills or warms me, kind of love by breeze sings its song in my ears, her vision flashes into my memory, eyes could see even if closed. When I am unplugged from the world to fly in the sky between the clouds to see that clouds are not really clouds they are virtual images of vapor in air, of course there is no one thing called sky and I do not know what people call as sky when there is only just space - ‘Passing clouds’ they say, fly into it and see you could pass in to the clouds and you won’t say life’s happenings are passing clouds, I understand that we are passing the clouds not the cloud us – I smile insanely knowing not the reason why just her image makes me smile though she come into my eyes or my memory just like the virtual vapor of beauty – I could say that is the moment I will be in heaven.  And when the same magical time of soothing evening sun and I wait for her to see her in reality and she walks up with a dance step each foot, confusing the air whether to touch and leave her which is possible or touch and stick to her which is not its nature though it want to embrace an angel in human attire, now this time the same vision my eyes could realize and my memory to retrieve but it is not the virtual vapor of beauty but the real, the reflection of beauty.   Beauty is not just the external one in the skin but the one in the eyes and the light which glows from inside that make me insane reminds me the moment I flew in heaven.  When I fall in to her eyes, she realize that it’s me the one who is practicing witchcraft – though I do not do – and angels do not like any black magic – though I do not know what it is – if love is black magic than she is the one who spelled those magical spells to make me fall love with her broken wand – lips – she turns away from me like an angel turning away from an vampire.  Heaven that I remember darkens, all the blue lights which I saw in my heaven gets switched off, all the red roses turns black, my eyes fade, supposed to chill but the breeze burns my skin, oh the hell.  It is one and the same, the heaven and the hell – being in love.

Crazy! Did anybody hear the sound of jasmine blooming, crazy, I hear when she parts her finger from the other.  People say love is unconditional but I would say love is interminable which gets you introduced with the magical moments of the universe and let you predict the future, let you predict what would happen next and you will find it happens for the first time, may be the second time too and you start believing in the future, you start believing in success of winning a heart, you fly like feather high in the sky and you believe you will stay high because God  wants you to believe in success and suddenly a drop of drizzle will come fall on you to wet you and make you fall on the ground and somebody will sweep you to dust, the third prediction will fail, you lose believing in love, you will start believing there is nothing called true love, there is nothing true, there is nothing called love.  The fourth, fifth, sixth you predict fails, you stop predicting.  Suddenly something will turn your way in love. Either you succeed or you learn a lesson.

Every soul comes into your life either to teach you a lesson or to learn one from you.  Be open to anything that comes, life has to go on till death, you could not find the reason for being alive but that is none of business we cannot change the reason though we come to understand.  Since we are born, let’s live, love, learn, and die.

Pic courtesy : http://www.josephinewall.co.uk