State of Solitude...

courtesy : theplaidzebra.com

I read a book at one shot, without closing and no use of bookmarks, without food.  After I read I wrote a review.  Then I search if any movie has been made out of it; oh yes!  There was one that came out two decades back. I downloaded it and watched – not a good idea though.  Still the earth has not turned her back to the Sun; the moon has not shown up in the fire sprinkled sky. I have lot of time left to close my eyes I mean… to sleep.  I thought of disturbing all my companions – my books collection.  The strange habit of folding the tip of the page to remember some word or something of very important helps sometimes; I pluck out books at random and read those pages with folded tips and tried to remember why I folded it.  Bizarre, I have folded some pages to remember someone who I know I will forget. Enough of books for the day, I thought and moved the unread pile to a side and returned the read books to not to their own place.  I kept it at random place.

I searched for another time killer; found my smart phone; I was smart until I got one.  There are many different applications with hell a lot of usages.  I remember I downloaded a game in which I can shoot somebody and gain points, years back I furiously played it because I could not do it in real time.  These days there were not even such people in my life. I opened the messenger app and read all old conversations of which some I wanted to preserve and few I preserve but makes me think I shouldn’t have such conversations at all; to hell with it.  I closed the messenger and flipped through the photos; old and new.  I am still in solitude.  I entered the trap – the internet – the social networking.  Good thing about this social networking is I could visit somebody who I could not see in person and the bad thing about it is after I see I wanted to see them in person.  To hell with it too, I carefully threw my phone on the bed and sat crossed legged.

The room was silent like grave; don't ask me how many times I have been in grave. I thought about arranging the room so that it looks little tidy but then I decided against it as I may not find the book I want if I put everything in order.  When it is clumsy it was easy to search because it will be clumsy before and after search.  I looked around; all the switches were on, the light, fan, phone charger without phone, laptop charger without laptop, even the printer was awake waiting for something to print.  I suddenly remember that I felt thirsty sometime back.  I looked around for my water bottle which I have emptied sometime during the voracious book read.  I walked to kitchen and filled the bottle with water.  I walked back to the room and sipped the bottle little by little so that I could kill sometime and feel good about hydrating my body.

It was an early dusk.  Winter takes its toll to darken the earth early than usual. I arranged three pillows to my back and leaned over waiting for something to happen, may be a phone call, may be a message, or at least the fan over my head to fall over my head – nothing happened.  I closed my eyes and wanted to think nothing but only when I don't want to think my memory works faster than ever like a rejuvenated engine otherwise it always hibernates. I decided that it is not a good idea to sit with my eyes closed.  A mild wind flew via the open window and caressed my cheeks, how many ever time I want I could write about this wind, I thought.  Along with the wind flew the mosquitoes.  To kill any living thing is a sin; I say this to myself every time an ant bites me.  Ant bites a quite rare so I spared the lives of many by blowing it away.  But when it comes to mosquitoes they put my policy under test to its high as sometimes they make me guilt of killing few – dirty tiny creatures.

I jumped out of my bed, closed my window and switched off whatever switch I could find and walked out of my room.  In few seconds I was in the terrace.  There was enough space to walk, enough space from outside world to talk to self.  The sky was ill lit as the moon was only half. Horizon was filled with vertical cigars because of which the billions of stars I saw when I was a toddler became millions. Inflation has hit the sky!!  I wished I could see a asteroid, so far I have seen only three and I waited for the fourth.  Nothing happened in the sky, I was quite and empty just like my eyes.  I turned to the sound of firework that blasted in the sky and decorated the place; man does anything for tiny pleasures, I thought. And then I saw that, for which I waited for long time – an asteroid.  It took only four seconds it flew into our atmosphere and disappeared.  How beautiful the life of asteroid! Get attracted by a woman like earth, love like a fire when you near and finally disappear in her, I thought. 

All that I got from my solitude is words that I have not spoken but write.  Happy is just a word when somebody asks how you are, but to know it is only a word to hide all other words I do not want to speak is painful.  It is not easy to stay in solitude and that to when given no option.   Long live the solitude.