What Am I doing.. What Am I Missing

- Feb 7 2010

Its Midnight, no it’s almost morning and I do not feel like sleeping.  What the non sense feel I hold in my brain, I could not understand.  Why do people go behind love when it gives less happy and more pain?  Of course, it's not the love which gives pain but the people.  The pain I feel is simply like a feel of a mother who want to feed her baby with her breast, holding in her hand, which is just born and died.  The decibel's pain is more than that of a mother when she gives birth.  

Why should I curse the lady who gave me this pain, it's me who went behind her.  Does life just ends with a lady? No, but life starts there.

I can cry but I hold my tears just to show her I am strong.  In fact I'm strong not stringent.  I could live without her even; I couldn't have even told her I'm interested in her, what would have happened? I will be in my same couch.  I thought I had just one life, let me do mistakes what is going to happen if it sucks I can correct myself

or at least I will not do the same old mistakes.  I do not believe love is a mistake.  Even if a parent say love is a mistake all my beloved, please do not believe, because eating forbidden apple is said to be a mistake done by Adam and Eve and not the love between them and love is not something forbidden.

I was dormant, without even need of a vent.  But when I went active I could not bear the pressure mounted inside and I badly need a vent, ouch I forgot to mention, the metaphor is volcano. Whatever, soon as possible things should be fine.

- Feb 08 2012

I desire you.  I know I deserve you.  I read that entire world will stand by you when the desire and dreams when a man reveal to attain it.  You are my desire, my dream.  Do not fly in vanity that you avoid me, infact you need to think a lot about me to stay away from me and I think a lot more to stay by you.

This is a fairy tale, for my fairy whom I wish to carry my little fairy.  And the Love, I don't know why it make you a fairy and me, flurry.  My heart ponders as if I am the last man in this world to live in the middle of the sea, thirsty.  Bloody you can not understand what I mean.  Just stand by me, lean on my bosom, close your eyes, listen to my beats, obviously it would not tell you name, it has gone numb in you silence.  But you can hear the noise it makes like a little child longing for his mother's breast, like a beautiful mother longing to see her baby alive after delivery, like a loving husband longing to see his beloved wife's kiss after her rebirth in the maternity.
Gosh! what am I talking.  Will the air, the soul of all the love, carry my love to your ears or at least to your epidermis!
Listen my dear Aphrodite,  I not dwelling into melancholies since I miss you, I am preserving all that my heart pounds into my soul.  One day you will miss me alike I do, need not feel for it, the next moment you will be in my arms.  Miss you my sweet enchantress.   

- Feb 09 2012

Believe me I love to go mad.
Who is mad? I read today, one who lives in his own world is named mad. I am not mad, you're my world, and I am not living in you.   Believe me, I love to go mad. I am crazy about you.
And what is your modus operandi!  You don't even want to listen me! Know something? you're cursed with beauty and I am with eyes. The gestures my saccades captured were still in my flash, stored in my hyppocampus.  Learn occultism, let your soul walk in to my  body, feel my pulse, my blood pressure, my hypertension, you will learn what love makes to a weak heart.  Observer my vision of my eyes, listen to the soul of my eyes, watch you with my eyes; you will learn that I just not look at your beauty, your body, your lips and eyes.  I look at you as a friend I talk to when I feel leaning on a shoulder, I look at you as a mother when I feel tired and need a lap to sleep, I look at you as my child who will come to this world to give me a rebirth, I look at you as a husband missing love for years together, I look at you a my sister who needs my advice, I look at you a goddess to whom I can go on knees and say I love you as what you are you.

- Feb 10 2012

I Never thought I will miss you this much.  I'm finding a place in my brain to put a hole to let your face get our of my memory.  If astral travel is possible, I will never return to my body but stay with you all the time in you dawn to desk and sit by you to see you sleep and hear what you murmur in drowsiness.
Will kiss you when it is dawn and if you wake up and manage to see my astral body, you might thinking whether I am ghost or what! If I could talk when in my astral body, I would like to tell you I not dead but my soul is in search of you every night and day, minute and seconds.

- Feb 10 2012 - Night

Depression.  When a human body lacks serotonin, results in depression, and when it is missing in a large extent, cause severe depression or madness.  And Madness is what? I read, it is what, when you can not express your idea. Now what madness in talking about all these.  I still didn't go mad, but I miss you, but I feel depressed the days without you. May be your the serotonin for my soul.


I'm hurt you know! When many tried and failed hurting me, you with just words accomplished it contemplating all others, anyways congrats.  Just the bloody combination of ascii's hurts.

When one's body is hurt with any sharp sting, blood boozes out.  Tears of the body, the blood.  And what if the soul is hurt! Tears? I love the way you hurt because it is the way you are and I feel you will love me the same way, the way you are.  I owe the pain you give me and I promise you will owe the love I will give you. When my friend asked me why do I write something in veil? Pain is good teacher, no pain no gain, also no pain no love.  I have seen lot people criticize the failure in love, pain in love, madness in love and craziness in love.  I have also seen them crunched with the deepest feel of love and madness.  It's true, everybody is mad in some or the other way.  And it's fact, everybody touches the love in their life and its not the love that touches the human. You my love, Caresse me.  Love is crazy and sometimes blind.

Say No to me!

Say No!

You have all rights to say no to me. 

I have cold and flu, know the reason! Yesterday I have fallen in to your Ice.  O! Spelling mistake or my saccade mistake!  Yeah. It my mistake, say No to me, I will never dip me in to your eyes.

Say No to me. You will not find me waiting for you, for your seconds of scent.  Waiting! could it be the right word for me? It should be longing, whatever! I know it’s the same for you. You will not find me behind you; will not find me thinking about you all 86400 seconds.  You cannot hear the sound of the pondering heart if suppose you want to hear the beats for you.  What does it matters for you! You can say no to me if you want, sorry I you do not want.

Say No. You will not be my pride for me to say we are tied. You will never ever get to know how much I am in need of you, and you will ever know my dreams for you.  You will never hear what sits in my subconscious, and you will not be the happy ending of my book. Psychic world filled with happiness, love and affection just for you, you will miss being in me as just you.  So! What the hell! You can anyways say no to me. 

Say No.  I will not die; because I love myself as much I love you.  Know why? I love myself, if I cannot love myself how can I love you, how can I convince my brain that I deserve you!  How can I ask you to love me if I don’t have something to love myself!  I am not someone very special but I can make the life special with you and you alone.  Bloody, who else you think can admire you much as I do!                         

So what! How does it bother you? You can always say no. 

Come on, you can say no.  You will not see me in your lap when I am tired, and you will miss my shoulders if we are not tied.  You will not find somebody whom you can hesitate.  You might miss the vanity that a tough guy is behind you.

Gosh! Say No. I am missing you being with me. But have a second thought. 

I am crazy about you, don't you know!

Where the hell am I heading! 

Why do I follow my gut feel which many a time punctures my vanity. 

Why the hell I follow her madly like a beast following the whiff and when her look really makes me a beast but still my bloody subconscious say ‘that is fine’ you have one life to live and live with whom you love and like.  Why am I thinking!  What will happen if this sucks! Do I deserve her? Do I well deserve her? 

Why I insanely wait for her hours long for a few seconds of her fragrance?   Does she deserve that time?  

Oh what a non-sense question! If I think that she doesn’t deserve my time why the hell should I roam in the street to find her out without even knowing her, without even knowing address, without even knowing, where I am heading?

I’m not competing with her.  I’m not competing with her time, life, vanity.  Why should she come into my life?  My melancholy gave me tears and not fears, I was sad but happy but what is this feel I hold now?

For a long time why did I avoid her not to see, not to attire, not think.   And why that Yuck dream has come, a morning, in which I saw her just talking to another guy and bloody why am I so possessive about somebody I kept avoiding?

Why did I spoke to myself ‘I like her’ and why did I run to a girl on the road that looked like her and escaped an eve teasing case!  Does she really looked like my girl or is that was my stupid imagination or my stupidity?

And it’s ridiculous, why did I write ‘my girl’

Is that my imagination! Who is that one bowed next to me inside the temple and when I stunned, got disappeared in fraction of a second and oiled my flame? - bloody imagination.

Why my heart ponders when she is around! What will happen to the name I gained, I guess I gained though not sure.  Oh Gosh! What is there to lose, just one life.

What are all these sleepless nights? No happiness, no sadness, lot of madness, lot of longings. 

I am running out of emotions.  Why did she not respond properly?  am I  that bad? Does she know that I am crazy; yeah many know I am crazy but does she know that I am crazy about her.  Why does life showed her to me just to break all my pride and vanities?

Hell a lot of questions?  Why I am I searching somebody to answer all these questions?  Why I’m I not talking to her? 

Do I lack Courage?  I know I do not, but then what is that stops.  Do I really longing for Love or for her or for her love? 

Questions, questions, questions why these many questions arises? 

Whatever!

My dear!  Enjoy the vanity. You have made mad a guy who was tough and still tough. 

Let this world knows and you too, Idiot I love you. 

Love Letter...

Mom, it’s me, your girl. 

I kept telling dad for days ‘I saw mom’, but he didn’t believe me and keeps avoiding my words, I guess by now he realized.  And mom, please save me from dad, I was not able to bear his so-called prose and poetry’s which he writes of you and believes you might read it. It seems somebody had told dad that conveying love through letter is cowardice that is why he is refusing to write to you and my dear mom, I don’t have any other way that is why I am writing to you.  I know you will read it.

          Sometimes, the place where I sleep vibrates and when I asked dad he told me that you're crossing him and he is pretending as if he is over phone, dad might tell you this sometimes later I guess.  And I asked him what is this place where I sleep and he said it’s something called ‘Heart’. How many days should I bear this vibration mom!  

          Take your time to accept dad, mom, but accept me in your heart, remember I am waiting for you my dearest mom.  Dad keeps saying that I am his vanity.  You will also feel the same vanity mom I promise.  Its boring here, this place, his heart, dad always fills with something which he calls it as melancholy and with lot of English characters, which he read in some or the other book.  I want to hug you mom, kiss you and feel your bosom.

          I heard dad once talking to himself, he said he will call you as enchantress and tell you that you have mesmerized him with your words and if you ask him what did those words did, he will ask you to close your eyes, grab you near him and kiss you in your cheek to say that you have chanted the spell which saved him from the vengeance of life and showed him what is life.  Oh God! Tell him not to talk more in poetical way, I was not able to understand and it’s boring stuff Mom.  And my lovely mom reserve some place for me to kiss you, I will love you more than dad, will you love me more that dad?

          Mom, I have to tell you something, dad is planning something.  He says he will call you in the midnight, and when you wake up to receive the call he will keep silence for sometimes and will give you three options of name to select for me and ask you a kiss with the answer.  If I could talk loudly I would tell dad “dad cool, don’t fly”.  Oh! I have spoken out the secret! That’s fine dad will think of something new.  And do you want that options, I heard when dad spoke to himself but I won’t tell you my sweet mom. 

          I heard talking himself, mom. During your marriage dad will come close to you and will whisper ‘I Love You’ in your ears.  He says that is the celebration of success of love.  Dad is crazy mom and he is crazy about you.  You will love his craziness.  Hey! I forgot to tell you something.  Dad said that I will have long hairs alike you, crazy walk alike you, I started loving you more mom.

              

          Beware of dad; anytime he may come tell you his love, he is a crazy guy.  Don’t show angry on him, take some time to think about him, and remember me. 

          When will you show me this world mom, I know both of you will fill my life with happiness as much love you are going to fill dad’s world.  Dad says when you carry me, he will read books for you and me, and when I kick you from inside and when you tell dad, show him the place he will touch and…

Hmm! Wait, I won’t tell you, secret.

          He either talks too much or stays very silent.  But lovable to me and I am sure will be to you too.  I am waiting for the days to fill your stomach, kick you from inside, to see this lovable world of my dad and eternal love of my mom. 

          I wrote in dad’s subconscious mind that you will love him; you will give him love which save him from all his pangs.  I promised him mom that you are my mother.   Now, Mom promises me the same to me.  I want to see dad via you.  I have seen you sitting inside dad’s heart.  I could not see him, when I asked dad that I want to see him, he told me that it is possible only by your mom. 

          He is not that bad mom; he is bit lovable and enormously caring.  I could not see dad crying, I could not see him if you didn’t accept.  Consider him mom.  Dad say’s he loves you from heart and mom I Love you sitting inside his heart and I can tell you that he is true.

                                                                 Missing you so much mom

Broken wand…

 Last day, I saw a wand, rose in color, horizontally broken in the middle, close to my eyes, stuck between my lashes.  In a second, when I was mesmerized with the beauty of the wand suddenly it started speaking.  No! Those are not noise of the ordinary speech but spells.  Alas! So far I heard only enchantress speaks the magical spells but here the wand spells the magical words. 

My saccades shifted suddenly to some earthly object, in that very few seconds both the pieces went wet with honey in which it is dipped.  Can honey be used as polish! Wonder, now the wand looks shining.  Hey!  Who filled the gap between the cracks with pearls?

I know the voice of the language which came reaching my eyes from the vibration of the broken wand.  Nothing looked like a magical spell and hypnotic but as if something stuck between the bride and the groom of my eyes, they stayed still without kissing each other.  Hmm! May be the wand itself is made up of the spells of the enchantress.  

What is the spell that grabbed my eye site to one particular dark point, the lower part of the broken wand?  Everything around me disappeared in the vanity of my eyes.   

Enchantress, wait, I have a question.  Why does a broken piece of a wand needs a crown in black? And why do people call it as a mole?

She Walked in my dream...

It's a dream.

A dream, which had had put me into a soothing melancholy.  If you promise me that you’re not going to decrypt this dream, I will tell you what it is and what it was.

In the Dreamland.

It was an early morning.  Horses of Sun were on its way to Earth.  By the river side he was sitting under a tree, thinking why he is there!

His ears caught something; there was a noise in the water.  It sounded as if the river was telling ‘do not go’ to somebody.  She arose from the water, came out wet, fresh, blooming.  Air was filled with wombling fragrance of beauty and womanliness.  

Ambiance changed.  His external and internal ambiance changed.  In the process of heating up the Earth, Sun heated up his thoughts and soul.

Few feet away from him, there stood a woman.  She was in her violet saree, wet, leaving her hands to the sun light to dry and below her leg knees to the guy by the river-side to shy.  Her beauty overflowed to its high, touching her thighs, blackish, silky, and not allowing the breeze to shake since the river played with it for a long time. Shore looked very bright as if Sun was lightened up by her beauty.  She glowed in the fire of the Sun.

O the Skin!  She looked as if she was made up of a blend of white Jasmine and softest Rose buds mixed with honey.  Hey what was that! Did the thrones has fallen in the blend by mistake! But that was a beautiful pimple in the left of the right cheek.    

O the lips! Is that a piece of an eternal fruit dipped into the grapewine for decade’s together or the broken wand of the enchantress of beauty.  Nobody will believe those are tiny folding in her lips but are lyrics which expresses the love of Kahlil Gibran.  Wow! What is that something hiding in the lines of the lips edge! A mole! Oh, is that is the full-stop of the lyrics!

He spoke to himself, “Who is she?” thought the man.  “Daughter of an Emir, from the land of love?” he questioned the air again.

She walked a few steps, holding her saree tight, white palms of her legs kissing the sanitized sand of the river side. 

O her Walk! Her hairs moved left to right and right to the left when she walked alike his mind wandering from her forehead to the tip of her leg and back to her forehead.  Crawling of a baby longing to walk to her mother’s bosom, she walked slowly, mesmerizing every piece of the sand.   

"The Sun is looking at her, the river kissed her, the sand touched her, and breeze caressed her"

“For the first time I need to believe the sun, the river, the breeze doesn’t have a soul, all those are non-living things” thought he.

He walked along her footsteps.  The soul of the river dropped from her hair drop by drop sufficing the Earth.  He called her, without name, in the name of love, in the heart of lust, in a passion of crush, in a longing of care.  She turned to him.  Looking at him, her heart beats went up.  Fever of fear caught her; chillness of the breeze increased her fever.  He raised his arms as if to allow her inside his bosom.  She bent down, her cheeks turned reddish, oh; wine too was mixed with in the blend!

A drop of elixir flowed from her forehead touching her temple, it ran down her nose.

O! Her nose! Let me keep at least this alone secretly in my heart.  

He went down in his knee, with his hand to catch the drop of elixir in his palm, which may put off all his burns of the soul, which will dilute all the acid he drank, which will cherish his life, and flourish his love.

The drop slipped from the tip of her nose tip, flew down and was about to reach his palm…

Somebody taped my shoulder “can you move and sit“.  I realized, I was in train compartment traveling back to home from office.  I woke up, moved a bit and the book I was holding in my hand slipped down.

I took the book from the floor, “The Beloved” by Kahlil Gibran.  

Please do not decrypt my dream.

I Wanna tell you a Love Story..

 …she is in her red tops and black jean; he is in his blue plain shirt and black trouser.  Her flying hair filled the air with romance.  Both of them are sitting in a roof garden of a restaurant, clock ticking 07.15pm. Her perfume blending well with his deodorant is making air pleasant; candle glowing between them and a feel too.  Light of the Candle made her face glow yellowish, beauty accompanied the glow with her and in his eyes, as if nothing else could blend with beauty and women other than candle light.  Darkness, mild yellowish light, company of a lovely girl, noiseless and romantic air, and heart filled with cheers all combining together is creating a feel in him which is not named so far.  It’s a mixed feel of love, lust, crush, passion, melancholy, thousands butterflies flying around, rose buds falling from above,  et cetra, et cetra. 

He:  You’re looking awesome today

She: Thanks for the compliment

He: I wanna tell you something

She: Hmm, tell me

He:  I wanna tell you a love story

She: I’m listening.

He: I know you will listen

She:  I know that you know

He: This place is romantic

She: Hmm.  Story?

He: The story is going to start here.

She:  thanks for that perplexity, go ahead

Silence prevailing.  One minute passed.  Both of them are not talking.

She:  Oh, Sad story?

He: ha ha ha..

She: Start no..

Phone is ringing. 

She: I’m in a meeting don’t call me for next one hour ma. 

Hmm start (switching her phone off)

He:  I’m goanna tell you a love story.  This is a real story of an old romantic man and awesome old women I know.  The story started here, in this same restaurant, may be the same place where we are sitting. 

She: Interesting

He:  He is 65 now and when he met his lady he was 25.  They have got a daughter who is 39 and a son who is 37. They have got grand children and they love their grand children more than anything.   They often tell their love story to their children and now they started telling the same to their grand children as bed time story.  That old man often tells that his love towards her wife is growing; maturing as the years goes on.  He takes care of his old women alike he took care of his daughter, whom he loved equal to her women.  He is always pride that her woman grows beautiful as grows old in age.  When he proposed her, when they were young, she didn’t reject him but kept refusing to accept him as she was so much close with her family.  She accepted him, in this very same restaurant.  He remembers the words he spoke to her on the day of his proposal dinner.  He cherishes his memory and he is now writing a book on their love and love life.  He did all possible magic’s to convince her family finally they too had fallen in love with him.  She loved him more when her family had fallen in love with him.  One day he took her to his home, suddenly.   He pulled her to kitchen and introduced her to his mother and confessed that both of them were in love.  Both bent down to get blessing from his mother.  His mother took some time to realize what was happening and finally came back to reality and blessed them.  She looked heartwarming, soft and sweet not only to him but also to his mother; his mother hugged her and kissed in her forehead. His mother immediately called his sisters and told what was happening.  His father observed what was happening but didn’t attire anything.  His mother called his father to bed room, after 15mins both of them came back and his mother asked both of them to bend down to get blessings.   Things went smooth which was not expected.   Finally they got married.  He filled her days with love.  Once, few months after their marriage, they went for a morning walk and while returning she told him that she could not walk since she was tired and this guy took her in his arms and walked kilometer to home without even feeling the people around them starring at them and when she reached home in his arms she asked “do you really wanna go office today?”.   And another day, she called him when he is in office and kept silence for a long time, he heard only her smiling sound and so he asked “what darling?” for which she replied “Now, say boy or a girl?”.  He dropped the call abruptly; she was confused, why he had cut the call abruptly.  In next 45 minutes door bell sounded and he stood with a basket full of flowers and with his arms open when she opened the door.  He lifted her to room from the door and a warm hug and a sweet kissed filled the air with love, the real love. He took care of her well, more than a mother, they both went for walk daily as per the doctor’s advice, and he read’s books for her at night for her to sleep. And the day came when he cried along with her in the maternity ward, yes; he stayed with her in the maternity ward, with full of fears, holding her hand tight and finally he bent down to her ears and said “Love you”, she closed her eyes and slept after her rebirth. They were blessed with a girl. They planned for a boy after two years and he was with her in the maternity ward even for the boy.  They showered love on their children.  They fought sometimes but their children never knew.  His daughter was very close to him and his son with mother.  He used to sit whole night looking at the sweet faces of his honey bunches, two children and his wife.  Nobody could have loved their wife so much as this guy did and she deserved it well and reciprocated. He was grown up in a different family environment where there was less conversation, less confession, less love conveyed, little bit of autocracy, so he learnt all ‘what not to do’ towards his children and his wife, he preached the same to many of his friends and he walked the talk.  He told their children all the short stories he did when he was in love.  Years slipped beautifully.  Their children had grown up.  His beloved daughter too had fallen in love with her classmate.  Her mother didn’t accept at first but her father solved the issues. His children got married.  After both their children got married they went for their second honey-moon.  Their children followed their parent in leading the life.  His children’s got children, yeah, He got grand children.  Old couple spent all their time with their grand children.  He grew older, she too and their love grew matured.  Once, at midnight both old lovers were sleeping, he told her “darling, my sweet darling,  I wanna die,  I wanna die when I am holding you in my arms, I wanna breathe my last breathe when your breathe is touching me.  You know, I lived life.  I lived my life, you’re my life.  I lived you. All the money, fame and whatever I earned is because of you.  You’re my everything; allow me to die in your bosom, listening my heart beat”.  She kissed him.   He had planned to pen down all the beautiful days.

She: Nice, mesmerized.  I wanna meet this couple, will you take me?

He:  are you sure?

She: Yeah.

He: ok, now get up, come.

She’s is getting up...

He:  Hold my hand and close your eyes now.

She: why?

He: please..

She: ok.

She’s closing her eyes. Now both of them are walking…

He:  Dear, now open your eyes slowly, watch the couples standing together, beautiful couple.

He moved closer to her. A mirror stood in front of them. Minute passed in pause. He went down on his knee holding a ring in his hand.

He: Allow me, let me live my life. Will you?

She: