Walking out of your sight

Walking out of your sight

But not letting you walk out my mind.

I know, you will believe me on the eight day of the week,

Like a shining sun in midnight, oh! I know I’m a freak.

I may wake up from the pyre with a drop of your tears.

A drop of tear which I never want you to shed even at my death.

Life started with your vision in my dream,

I guess my dream is going to be just a vision in the stream.

I know it is a sin to fall in love with an angel, but

I am yet another mortal, how did you expect to realize love is fatal.

 Tear me in to pieces, before the longing fires me to abyss

Suffering is not something new to hearts in love

And it’s the one which decides heaven or hell where to shove.

Walking out of your sight and it’s not my mistake that

You’re cursed with beauty and me with eyesight.

With love without loved,

-Not me who you think as me.

 Image courtesy: google, I could not find the photographer who reflected my mind or the website (orginal) 

The game which love plays

…I tried hard to push the food inside my throat but it refused because of the lump of love created by the presence of her around.  Though surrounded by people I felt alone, trapped with the emotion of being in love, stung by the evil snake - bitterness, kissed by longing for being along, embraced by soberness.  She stood from her seat walked nearby; I downed my eyes and bent my head skipping the tug of war between my brain and heart.  How many times I have thought about giving up, and allow my fate to take over my life, how many times I have thought that I do not deserve her, she would not like me, she doesn’t even like me looking at her, it’s better to drown in poison then to bear her hesitation.  

Somebody came near to me, touched my shoulders, I know it’s her but I didn’t lift my head up because I would cry if I see her eyes, my wounds of longing would bleed tears.  She touched my head, shook my hairs with her fingers, my eyesight went blur blocked by the tears rolled.  How long I waited for such a moment! How many centuries I waited for such a touch! How much incarnation’s longing to feel the love of her heart!

She took my chin in her palm, lifted my face and ordered me to look into her eyes.  Penetrating through the shield she has for her eyes, I saw my image in her eyes.  She wiped my wet lashes to stop the tears rolling out of my eyes.

“Don’t worry” she said

I nodded my head

She shook her head and smiled.

“Everybody is watching” I said

“I am yours” she replied

“What would people thing about us, shall we talk later” I asked her

“Sorry I missed you for quiet long period” she replied

“You took too long to realize my love” I said, tears rolling on my cheek

“I am yours” she replied

“I almost lost my hope, I never thought you would understand me” I said

“No more tears, hold my hands and never let me go” she replied

“I feel the warmness as if I am being in Amniotic when you touched” I said

“Your mine, part of my soul, I will take care of you” she replied

“I thought of speaking hours together on this day, now I am running out of words, running out of thoughts, running out of memory, I could not recollect anything, you have filled my entire universe in a second” I told her.

“I do not need explanation, just be mine” she replied

I looked into her eyes, her broken wand, her beauty, reflection of my love, the reason for my life, and nourishment for my bleeding heart. 

I touched her cheeks, she closed her eyes, and I slid her head forward, towards me, and kissed in her forehead.

 “Everybody’s watching” she said

“I love you” I replied.

She grabbed my hand and clenched my fingers with her fingers. 

I slid my head, bent towards her, placed my head on her shoulder.

“I wanna die” I said

“You already died now you're new born, for me, for me alone” she consoled caressing my cheeks.

I closed my eyes.  Hours passed on her shoulder; I understood what does fulfillment in life means and why people die in lack of love.

I opened my eyes, I could see only the floor, my heart pondered, it was searching for her eyes, her caress, her touch, her finger clenches, her broken wand, her shoulders, but I could see only the floor.  She was in her seat blooming like a sunflower in day light.  Realization of the hallucinating moments rolled me like a waste paper, crushed me and thrown me to the corner of my heart.I walked away from her sight.

 The game which love plays.

 

…mirror

I was sitting, gesturing leg over leg, looking at it; it is not reflective but a semi-refractive one.  Looked at it for a very long time it seemed to be plain and numb as if missing nourishment for years long.  What could nourish it? The image of my enchantress that nourishes my eyes and my refractive heart, could do?

By the time I was analyzing what could make this numb non-living alive, my heart went numb because she didn’t turn up, it’s time for her to come.

Its color changed, instead showing me images it showed me a vision. 

…that was a slow moving river; she is in her pink attire, sitting by the river in a soothing evening sun light, legs into the moving water and drawing figures with her fingers on the sand.  As if the water had fallen in love with her, refusing to move from her river moved slowly embracing her rose foots.  And of course the wet sand didn’t move been mesmerized by her soft touch. 

A toddler came running towards her, jumped in to the water and the river was waiting for such a moment to touch her face, water sprinkled on her face. She closed her eyes, wiped her face with hands, looked at the small boy for few seconds and busted in to laugh and the small boy threw a smile on her along with a hand full of water.  For a few seconds there was a sound of water splashing and sprinkling, the sound reflected the flowing rivers happiness.   She glowed like fire when she reflected the setting sun. 

The small boy came walking from the water and sat next to her.  She started playing with his soft hair, bent down to him and kissed him on his cheeks. He smiled, got up, paused for a second and grabbed her with his tiny hands and lovingly kissed her on cheek.  I was watching her sitting at a good distance so that she could not see me, behind her. 

She got up, grabbed his hands and started to walk.  She saw me.  I felt happy to fall in to her eyes. She changed her sight to a difference direction, which I expected.  I thought she would not walk towards my direction, but she walked briskly, talking with that toddler, she neared me, I know she want to show her guts which I loved.  She crossed me throwing her brave eyes on me. 

‘…you need not show your guts to me, I am not stranger, I am a part of you.  You hate me or like me, I am in love.  I am in love with you because I am in love with you I have no reason, the reason which I found after very long time. Along with your beauty, along with your broken wand and the black crown it holds, along with the light which I see, I love your guts too’ I want to tell her.  She walked crossing carrying her vanity, and the guts which she want to show me. 

It was back to its color. 

Oh what is this vision, how do I decipher, what does it symbolizes, is that a sign for me to interpret or it is a retrieval of the past memory!

I next few seconds after those trance moments, again it showed her to me, her image in pink attire.  No, everything looked normal, I was not in trance, and its color too didn’t change.

Oh it’s not a vision or hallucination, it’s her real image.  It could not neither allow her image to pass her even though being refractive, nor it could not show her image properly even though being semi-reflective.  It struggled to show her image, I know, it was not able to suddenly revitalize itself with such an extraordinary beauty.   Seeing which I changed my gesture, I dropped my leg over leg position respecting her.  Of course I respect her, I respect myself, I respect my love, and I do not know how but I love her hatredness, I love her hesitations.  Love teaches respect.   

She walked crossing carrying her vanity, and the guts which she want to show me.

Picture courtesy: http://www.josephinewall.co.uk

Deity, free my soul

Amongst thousand’s footsteps noise I could identify yours alone though I know not the reason and today it was just yours alone how I could miss guessing.  I stood nearby the one which transports you – a non living combination of metals – with all the love I have towards you, I was talking with it about my love towards you, it listened without complaints as if I am in love with it which is of course true because it transports you, which showed me some light when it was dark and when I was waiting for you, which you do not want to do.  

I was about to place my hand on it, just to soothe my soul, the only things which might placed me in tranquility as the day was not so good.   My inner voice stopped me ‘do not touch’.  I didn’t have time to ask why because the voice didn’t stop with that it said ‘cannot you feel something!’  Yes I felt something, my pondering heart which slips a beat with the feel I had and world around me stopped rotating for a minute since my head is rotating.  I know she is there around, very nearby but how did I know? Is that is just an intuition or the miracle of love reveals itself when you’re near to your soul mate?  Before I ask thousand questions to my intuition, I remembered I promised ‘I am walking out of your sight’ and when I lifted my head I saw her walking towards, miracles exist.  Now what should I do! Walk out of her sight or stay there to tell her I cannot fake, you cannot walk out of my brain.  

‘What do you think I would do when you walk towards me like a drop of water falling from a rose petal, like the drizzle after a hot sunny hour?  Like the sun light entering the dew at dawn to make it shine!  What do you think I would do when I was longing to see that black moon and reddish stars which you hold?  Though I stay away I am sticking to you like the invisible string which holds the moon to stick with the earth to not to get the moon lost in the space.’

I was stuck in the limbo, either to wait or give up, either to look at or get lost, either stay or walk.  It was a war between my heart and brain.  Brain said walk away she might not like your stay, heart said wait you will not get another day close to her like this.  Finally brain won the war, I have to walk away though my heart tugged an invisible sting with her and my brain used its elasticity.

‘An arrow stuck my rib, the cage where my heart stays.  You turned away from me.  I am not a demon.  You turned away from me like a Goddess turning away from an atheist.  I may need to get out the tissues in which my soul is caged to prove I will wait for another incarnation, you can still avoid me, turn away from me.’

I walked out of her sight, moving fast in air.  It was a tough evening, with heavy pressure of earth’s love towards moon to make the salt water angel to sigh heavily often.

I saw moon coming out of its black bedspread slowly, soothing every poet’s heart and triggering their brain.  I am not a poet to care about it still I do not know why she –moon – always tries to prove that she is beautiful then my angel though she cannot do so, so far.  

‘Hey’ she called me.

‘What’ I replied.

‘What happened’ she interrupted me.

‘I don’t have space for you, why cannot you disturb some poet who believes that you are the beautiful and who haven’t seen my angel’ I replied

‘I am not disturbing you, come by, let us have a chat’ she said

‘No mood, please get away’ I replied

‘2 min’ she said

‘Alright’ I accepted.

The next moment something pulled me from the ground.  When I opened my eye I was standing on a black sheet of foam – a moving cloud, floating in the air.  Moon shone like hell, it took few seconds for convexity of my eye lens to adjust to the shining.  It was dead silent in the space; motion of the cloud mourned as if I am lying dead on it.  She started talking.

‘When everybody loves me, why do not you? I am the beautiful than any woman born on earth.  I made poets, writers, lovers, scientists, and I represent the so-called beauty’ she said.

‘That’s too much of vanity you hold.  I know a better moon.  You are kept in your place by earth without which you might be just an asteroid wandering around burning.  You can shine only in night when sun – the master – cannot see you and you steal the light from earth and still you bluff with vanity, shame on you.  I know a better moon, in fact she is a universe and you are just a dust particle in the universe.  No shadow could hide her shining, no earth required to enlighten her, she glows in day, she is the queen of the fairy world, nobody could attract her, and I always have a invisible thread tagged with her and she keeps me in my place, in a distance so that her beauty doesn’t destroy me.  She’s an angel, my angel’ I replied.

‘I do not steal light from the earth, I reflect the love, and I reflect the love of sun towards earth who keeps a distance so that His – the sun – beauty doesn’t destroy the earth.  I reflect the love of the master – the sun; I reflect the beauty of that love, the love which makes poets, lovers, writers and many a times humans.  And that is why I say I am beautiful than any woman born on earth’, she said.

‘Okay, I confess, I like you, you’re beautiful, you’re the reflection of love but she is not just a women born on this earth, she is the reflection of my soul, reflection of goddess of wealth – Copia – a deity’ I argued.

‘It’s time, you can go back’ she said with humiliation.

I thought of jumping from the cloud. 

She shouted ‘stop’. 

I asked ‘what?’

‘You are right, she just reached her home, I saw while she uncovered her face.  I have fallen in love with her, she is a deity –  Copia – and I remember you both, centuries back, as one soul, I pray one day she will realize it, wait for the time to reveal it’s secret’ she consoled me

‘Love you, but not more than her’ I replied with a flying kiss.  She smiled.

I opened my eyes to see in between metallic chaos on my way back home.

Picture courtesy: http://www.josephinewall.co.uk

You fill my world...

I saw an asteroid flying inside the atmosphere, burning, and disappeared by itself before reaching its destination, of course it do not know what its destination is just like me.  It has fallen in love with the goddess earth and before it could reach her it lost itself in her.

My Universe, which holds ton of miracles with it, capable of accommodating my angel with enough space for all the love she spreads and all the beauty she carries.  It expands whenever I think that she is mine and shrinks whenever I think she is not mine yet.  Alike the water rushes out through the cracked wall of a lake, her gestures cracks my cell wall to enter into my brain to erase all the memory in a trance second and she leaves just her foot trace in my memory.

What could a black hole do to universe!  Grasps whatever comes near and makes everything into one immaculate thing – the Null.  I felt a black hole enter into my universe scattered all my memories, vanity, pride, good, bad and the thing ‘myself’.  The power of a black hole – a black mole – is enormous instead grabbing everything in my universe it grabbed my universe into it and made me the immaculate thing – the Null. The gravity of love, the gravity of her liveliness, and the gravity of her loveliness which I dare to withstand attracts me into that dark point and my universe collapses in her.

I want to grab her hand fly into the space at the speed of light to show her the past, my loneliness which I withstood, the days I sat thinking just about her, and show her to herself how lovely she is.  Farther more in the space, faster than light to overtake the images which started traveling into the space centuries back, to make her believe this is not the first time I see you.  Centuries back when I and she was together with grater love which no one could posses. 

The river side, the day when I crossed by, she came out from the divine river, walking with a dark maroon clothe embracing, filling the air with romance.  I got down from horse seeing her from a distance, mesmerized with the fragrance, attracted with by the beauty which she sowed in air, the water sufficing the sand.  She walked like a blossom of a softest soft rose buds.  I could have been that lifeless sand to get sufficed with the water sprinkling from her, to kiss her foot and embrace her softness.  The immortal has given me life and made me useless I could have been lifeless.  I walked near her with thirst of love and lust, the sacred love and lust, it is sacred only with the soul mate and I know she is the broken part of my soul, the only one who could make my life a life. 

I walked close to her, I said ‘I see you, I see my soul’.  She didn’t believe she stayed away from me and turned to walk, I ran before her, thrown my sword to her feet to say ‘I surrender, I surrender to the beauty my goddess, I surrender to the love, do not ask me how is that possible in few minutes, I see you, I see my soul in you.  The result of my soul search, here I surrender myself to you.  You need not believe but take the sword and stab me right now I could not move an inch from you carrying such a heavy heart longing for you.   Do not believe me, but I will wait for the day to come, for you to come, I will wait here the same place’.

 She walked away looking at somebody approaching.  Divine breeze with her amazement flowed caressing her and few drops of water sprinkles came touching my eye lashes to put off the burning soul search.

Sound of a fast approaching particle reached before the arrow which missed my chest when I moved and stuck in her foot trace.  I was annoyed to see the arrow piercing my angel’s foot trace.  I grabbed my sword and stuck the arrow to make it into pieces….

 I want to show her all those things happened. I want her to believe that I am the asteroid which the omnipotent had had thrown from space since I have fallen in love with a goddess and to get disappear in her.

Rashmi…

What do you want me to do when you shine like a diamond thrown on a black clothe? Close my eyes and go blind?

Among many mortal livings, I heard only your spells to amaze me how is that possible to hear your voice alone that too when you maintain always a distance from me! 

You lifted you brows to make me feel the escape velocity of beauty from your eyes, shrunk your forehead to give me the vision of the most astonishing lines of lyrics of beauty written in the language of angels. Nodded your head, I know you’re not calling me but I am attracted towards the opposite pole and in to the magnetic force of your loveliness, you shook your head to bounce me to heaven and hell, in that very moment I shook my head along with you mesmerized by your gestures.

I was thrown hard to hit a hard rock and blown away to space and to come back to earth without a scratch, all that which happens in fairy tale happens to me because of you, my fairy. 

You throw your hands in the air and light up the air with your magical croon and all those around you like the guards of the queen without whispering a word admiring you with your croon. 

Mortal humans, one by one, started disappearing in the light which started spreading in the room.  The glittering of the light was too heavy; I could see no one but you, only you.  Oh it is too heavy I could not open my eyes fully, tears gathered in my eyes but I will not allow it to roll down because I filled my eyes with you, with the light you spread, I won’t  allow it to roll down. 

Rashmi – the intense beam of light, the beam of love and beauty that you spread all over my universe which makes me blind and give me the vision of just you, making me forget about all the earthly materials spread around the physical world and sometimes makes me to live in the fairy world transports me to the trance state and live with you, embrace you, kiss you, feel you, love you and live you.

When the Rashmi consumed every being around living me alive with love, I see your broken wand with which you spell the miraculous chant to put me in a state of trance.  Is it is you who put me in such a state or it is me who practicing hypnotism!

Look straight into a point, one constant point, which does not move.  Keep looking, keep looking and keep looking and suddenly everything around you gets blurred, diminished to leave just that one lovely point you’re looking at.  You move to a state of concentration, and when you start concentrating you move to a state of trance, universe will shrink to that one point – a good exercise to practice hypnotism and that is what I do looking at the crown of your broken wand – the mole – and I get hypnotized.

My universe shook for a second, the Rashmi suddenly disappeared and I was on my nerve when to get disturbed in middle of my hypnotized state, it is somebody shaking me to get an answer for their question so I replied a fake yes controlling my nerve.

Do you think just the tissues is that I want so that you hide behind some mortal tissues avoiding my eyes! Or do you think I am practicing witchcraft – I am sorry those things are nothing to do with love.

My angel noticed that I am hypnotizing myself with her gestures, I guess, she thought I am trying some black magic.  She stood and walked away collapsing my universe in a second, stabbing me with a ray – the Rashmi in disguise – of her angry sight. She took my vanity along with her footsteps, which brought my heart between my lashes.

It’s just not the love which makes me write, but it’s my angel who walks along my veins, sit in my heart like an queen –of course it’s her regime – living me no space for someone else to accommodate, order me to do whatever she wish me to do, crosses the abyss and flies swiftly in my nerves system and suffice my brain to pour out the love in the form of words.

I will stay guarding your regime, thanks for ruling it my angel.

Connect to your Guardian Angel

Not often I do this; I sat in a dark place where chill air embraced me and I called all my guardian angels to listen to me.  It was a prayer, confession, outcome of pang.  I spoke in my voice as if they were sitting next to me and listening to me – in a bit louder voice – but yes, I know they were listening to me.  I called for help from them all, to help me get out of this pain which was a resultant product of love, the collateral damage which the eternal love I hold has given me as a gift.   I know I can talk loud as I can since no one around me and no mortal lives around me to listen to it and admit me in a mental asylum.  I myself, in middle of my conversation, thought weather have I gone mad! Am I an insane! But the conversation though looked insane talk, made my heart light.

We mortal beings listen, but we listen only what we want to listen.  We take things to our data center only what we like and we act as if we listen to everything had interested us.  But my guardian angels listens to me like a mother listens to her baby she is carrying in her.  Only a mother knows what the baby talks and feels though there is no language, she could understand because she is the guardian angel of her womb. 

My guardian angels listened to me without even attiring a word back but such a listening capacity only guardian angels have, I wondered.  I was talking as if somebody is sitting physically next to me and I was conversing with them and I totally forgot that I will be at risk if someone takes time to watch out for me.  Goodness there is not one around and it is dark so that nobody cared to take a look at me.  I kept talking and talking for around time which I really didn’t calculate. 

I wondered to my guardian angels how she – my angel – is carrying such a weight of beauty all the time, one of my guardian angels laughed and said that is why she is an angle.  I asked my guardian angel who laughed at me to take my life and guard her – my angel –all the time where ever she is around.  She replied ‘I will spare your life take care of you angel, my blessings’.  Oh! Is that is what my guardian angels wish, I could do that but my angel too should wish that she too need to bless me with the love in return I said.

Another angel smiled at me and said ‘dear, you are wasting your time waiting for her to reciprocate her love’.  That reply shocked me and I was bit put up with melancholy.  ‘…watch out, love is fathomless and you should love your angel with that fathomless love, though she cares to care about you or not it is your love which should be around her all the time, allow the Goddess time to reveal by herself she holds the answer for all the eternal questions of love.  Wait till she reveals herself and allow her to work on your fathomless love, by the time you will be put under testing like the gold to reveal its shine after getting rotten in the sacred flame.’

‘…keep your sacred longing burn in your heart, it's sacred like pyre which destroys the mortal tissues and take the soul to a level up to meet God.  You will have your time to show up all your longings to your angel then she will understand and if she didn’t do that like she did in all your previous incarnations wait till the next incarnation and give it to the goddess time to reveal herself, anyways if you have to wait till next incarnations of yours then feel lucky that you loved your angel more than anybody could do. But I bless she understands you shortly.’

Things looked awkward and weird but I believe all those words because it’s my guardian angel who spoke.   Thought it is tough to hold the longing for a long time, birth after birth, it’s for my angel, my soul mate, broken part of my soul, lovely creation of the creator, feminine part of the creator, the result of my soul search.  We sometime need to allow the time to reveal its secrets by itself instead of deciphering things.  Life is interesting only with the hidden secrets of time which revels and excites us sometime and makes us astonish many a time. 

There was a silence which prevailed to make me register everything in my memory and it was the command of all my guardian angels to spread these words to the world.  All the souls which search for its other part are interconnected with a virtual neural network of this universe and every guardian angel wants to convey this message to every soul which is in search, but we often do not listen to our guardian angels which as answers to most of our questions, but we ask for advice to an another soul which too is in search of something else.

And now do not search your guardian angel in this materialistic world.  They come to help you from the world of love, all they know is love and all they want is to love, and all they wish for every human is to love and love each other, only by the mode of love we could reach our soul mate and will feel that even that soul too is in search of you.  Every human being can connect to that world of love where guardian angels rest.  Wake your subconscious up, you will get connected to that world in a millisecond and you need not search for your guardian angel there, they themselves reveals them and come for your help.

It’s the love which turns the world and moves in its path and it’s the love which keeps the sun in a distant so that earth grows crops rather than fire.