Anatomy of Monotony…

Before I blabber something here, let me make a (sorry two) point, Anatomy I understand it as a investigation and Monotony I understand it as humdrum life style (not sure whether the word style suites here).

I wake up, get ready, start office, travel with strangers, reach office, and fall in to somebody’s emotion,  sometimes work, alike all act as if I am very good guy direct from heaven, get back home again acts as if I worked hard in office, eat, and sleep. Monotony.

I sense, monotony will disappears only when I stop bothering much about others, especially the surrounding, who I don’t even know, never ever spoke but still I bother to laugh without noise, smile without opening my mouth, use forks or spoon which I am not comfortable with, do not turn to a lovely girl you love just because the surroundings might think you are behind her (which could be true) and will enjoy grapevines about you.  I sensed the air never gets changed. 

I want to throw the forks away and smash the food in my hand.  I need to stop bothering about the people who could only talk, murmur something about me, and in few days somebody else will be caught on their eyes and he will be in soup. 

It’s said, people who talk rumors or put others in their grapevines are less prone to heart attacks.  Gosh! Good hearts live less time or what!

I hear people talk about others, they do this, they do that etc., and I don’t know what bothers.  I actually never had much time to think about what others do is right or wrong until it hurts me to the most.  And as usual I end up in conclusion that nobody is wrong or no body is right, possibly there will be difference in percentage.  Nothing to brag here, I am one among. 

We always thinking what others will think about us when we do this or that, but we forget others are there just for that moment, they will think about you just for a minute, may be for an hour and finally end up in thinking about someone else.   And we think as if all the strangers around will follow us throughout the life.  There is something called dignity, I don’t know what does it really means.  O! Dictionary says dignity as self-respect.  And we all forgot it and expect our self-respect from others, funny.

Nobody is afraid of failures, everybody is afraid of what others think when they fail.  Why do you care? 

Others will come, go and others will be always replaced by others.  If you want to express yourself express, swing and miss not a problem, do trials and errors what are you going to miss, bother less about others negatives and more about self positives.  You need not do good to others, they know how to take care of themselves just stay away from not doing something negative to them.  Enjoy grapevine but do not mix poison in it. 

Do not advice until asked, I know that.  Anything above is not an advice just a expression of thought or a vent.  

I love, therefore I am.

Who will cry when I die

I got into my bus to Pondicherry (now wait, I was to Pondicherry to Aurabindo ashram); I want to spend a day with myself, just me and me alone (I’m alright, still didn’t go insane). 

I got into the bus which was luxurious, comfortable but the very moment I sat “what if the bus meets with an accident? What if I die?” I thought.  Not an unusual question, which comes to my mind whenever I travel.  Still, I don’t stop traveling also ridiculously my mind never stopped thinking the same question.  But this time I have some courage to die, do not know the reason though.  Another thought came to mind, title of a book “Who will cry when you die?” O! Good question.  Who will cry when I die?

Immediately my mom came to my mind, who was always under the governance of my father after her marriage and atrocity of her father (of course, my so-called grandfather), who I never treated as a women who is controlled by a man or just a Mom who listen to her son (grown up) but allowed her to be and talk whatever she like to (though I do not listen sometime, at least I act).  She sometimes breaks my costly things and feels for it and I repeat my philosophy “they are just luxurious craps, made to be broken, not human hearts” just to make sure for her to feel that I am not like my father or her father.  When I die, who will be there for her to make her feel comfortable! For sure she will cry, but then days will pass on, she will get back to her life and repeat her quest, looking after her husband. 

Next, the lady who felt that I am bad just because I am behind her (of course the one I never thought of hurting), came to my thought again with gist of her gestures like panorama.  Will she cry?  This is a million dollar question for me (of course only she could answer). Or at least will she be happy that a bad guy died and will she curse me to hell.  And nobody will be behind her, nobody will wait for her, nobody will long for her sight, nobody will follow her (of course that bloody ‘nobody’ is me).   Do not worry I will not follow you as a ghost, or at least I do not believe ghost (but devil).

My best friend the only guy in my life with who my wave length matched (because both of us are a kind of freaks).  Who gave me lump in my throat when he got admitted in hospital, and I almost cried but still gave him my best freakish philosophies to cheer him up.  I know for sure he will cry for the (x+1) + (y-1)^th time(what is this? I don’t know but I just meant the rarest moment) in his life when I die. 

My team.  My best ever team, whom I disagree, yell, fight, show my disinterests but then, my people, my team, goodies I really love (only when you think of death you really come to know whom you love, pretty interesting).  My buddies who think (I guess) they can learn something from me and I finally end up in learning from them. 

My goodie, who always hangs over on me, my brother-like guy (more than just brother), my lead of course the guy who teaches me life, I always tell him that he is very strong in personal life (which I sucked), and the guy my Mr. humble and friendly, who sits behind me, to whom I share my most of life’s happenings, I always want him to tell him ‘your wife deserves you man’ and he is Mr. Nice guy.  And two more young chaps, one who I always pull his leg and still remembers his brother when I punch him, and another brother-like buddy, who never hesitated to drop me in my station, bloody bike lover.  Oh! How could I forget Mr. Question, I loved his questions (though sometimes it screws) and for the first time in my life I see everybody likes the spell ‘Idiot’.  And Mr. Atheist, who always clicks like button to my facebook posts and who loves arguing on controversial topics, I loved his argument most of the time.  Mr. Attitude (Attitude, here I mean in positive tone), who always comes his time and leaves his time, and so humble, silent and I never told him how much I like him.  A new chap, though I liked him only after shaving his French beard (just kidding) enthusiastic guy, not sure whether he likes me or not, but I do.  Aha, only two ladies caught among gentlemen’s in the team.  One, my best friend-type, who is up to me, is the height of patience and sincerity and a good friend or a sister-type to share life’s lessons. And  the other lively lady who do not even like to message or ping anybody in messenger but prefers to go talk or call (sometimes bit loud) them and who do not have patience to check facebook, I wanted to tell her I like her liveliness.   Many a times I wanted to tell everybody that wherever I go and if I see something suddenly one among you come to mind thinking ‘you will like this’.  I know, for sure will at least pray for me to RIP (Mr. Atheist, do this for me, for the last time in your life time)

And a lady, to whom I want ask her pardon, for sure she will cry.  Wonderful, how many people I gathered for me. 

I opened my eyes and the bus almost reached Pondicherry.  O! I didn’t die! Fine let me go back, so that they will cry after seeing me back .

Where is enjoyment?

A serious discussion happened in between our team when we are still in our cubicles, Why life? What is enjoyment? Where is enjoyment?
Will alcohol give enjoyment? Yes for very little moment but you will regret once it reacts on your stomach and when you feel to puke, you feel never to touch the dirty thing again. Enjoyment gets diminished there.

What if you smoke? Will it give you enjoyment? Yeah may be for very few seconds and suddenly your mind starts thinking of the adverse effect of smoking, the mails you receive on the effect of smoking, the picture in the cigar box. There enjoyment will die.

Okay. What if looking around, watching out girls? Hmm, good thought process but when somebody among them looks like the one who ditched you or the one you ditched, enjoyment sucks. Or if you’re in love, your conscious will ask you a pretty bad question, what if she does the same? Ridiculous, Bloody hell of a human conscious! It is even worse if you’re married, along with your conscious, the genuine bachelor standing next to you will tell you “boss, you’re married”. Gosh.

Hmm! Then where the hell is the enjoyment?

Up to me at least; life’s enjoyment or happiness is not in big things, you need not search. Say, you’re eating an ice cream, in few minutes melted cream decorates your lovely figure. Ouch! Sorry, post lunch problem, I was about to say finger.
Okay. What will you do what your intensely tend to taste the flowing cream which decorated your fingers (I woke, it is ‘finger’). You look around, and you have to maintain your pride, so-called manners, et cetra and finally end up wiping it with a tissue paper. I would say taste it, taste the ice cream flowing on your fingers, and just listen to the intense feel what your heart says. It is there what you’re searching, you feel complete, and that’s where enjoyment is.

Life’s enjoyment lies in small things, which you love to do.

Sorry for being very philosophical. But I love to be ;-)

Have some courage to live

When you desire your dream, your love:

Your patience will be put under test, your reputation will go for a task, you will be frightened with words, you will be hurt with, by the feel of guilt, your good-will will be sued, your heart will be pushed to decided to go into doom, your vanity will be punctured, fear of loss will frighten you, you will feel that all the time is wasted which could have spent on something productive but you know you wouldn't have, you lose heart, will decide to stop dreaming, will decide to kill your desire and even sometime yourself, will assume dream is fake and desire is humbug, you will feel life as no meaning, you conclude you have lost everything is life you gathered so far.

 

Now stop here. Do not give up. Fight one more time.

Fear, but do what you fear, that is the only way to overcome fear. Reputation is not what you thing about yourself, it’s something you think, about what others think about you, bull-shit, do not bother. You know what you are, you need not prove you're good to everybody who just come across, do not fear of losing people because you just need four people to carry you to grave, gain that sincere four who knows you what you're. Fight one more time every time you fail, you may end up hurting what you love but need not worry, the what you love, you will celebrate it once you get it. Never ever give up. Do not listen to the suggestions of paranoids. Your life is yours, nobody know what you think, what you dream, world conspires helping you only when you keep following your dream.

You do not know when your heart will stop beating, at least till then listen to what your hearts say, listen to what it talks, sometimes it talks very negative, let it talk, poor heart, even it requires a vent. Once it finishes all its parano-idotism it will be an inverted paranoid. Know that there is a death, because only knowledge of death will give you wisdom to live. Live the life; do not listen to suggestion of who really really do not know what you're and what your hearts talk.

Have some courage to live. That is what all I say myself, whenever my experiments sucks.

I am courageous, therefore I am.
-sat

All Is Well!

I learned to love everything, my failures too, not because that it taught me something out of it but gave me some feed for my thought process to write. One such failure-like is scratching my head as if I want to put a hole in my head (some spot where it would not pain) and make it a vent for all such negative feels.  I’m searching for content so that my bloody brain would get consoled.  Holy-crap, consoling brain is so tough, it puts hell lot of questions and forgets it is the one responsible for getting answers for all those.  When there is hell lot of problems around me, my problems looks very big for me. 

 

“Follow your dreams” many told me, books taught me so I followed my dream but how do I tell all those who said “follow your dreams” that there are hell lot of signals in the city and every time I miss my dream in one or the other signal. 

                Everyday I wake up; I say, it’s going to be a good day, but finally the day sucks.  When I never bothered about anybody world looked very empty and when I cared about everybody world looked lovely but I bothered just about only one, I felt like ‘let the dooms day come’.  Expectations, suggestions, paranoids around me make me feel very down and I go very down to earth and sometimes I feel I can even go inside the earth. 

                When I thought, that  I need not prove ’I am good’ at least a few thought that I am good but when I want to prove that I am good, to one alone, the life becomes complicated.  Wandering mind and pondering hearts are really dangerous, it finally lands up in the place where you want to get out, but that will be the place you love the most and hurt to the most.  This is a good learning, if I go behind just one, the one will always go forward and you will always be back.  That’s fine what am I going to do going ahead of the one I love.

                Experiments, experiments and experiments thought out my life.  Every experiment sucked and I still didn’t stop doing experiments.  Nothing gave me excitement other than me thinking that I am doing what I love to do.  When I retrospect, I question myself “whether I have grown insane?” Every aspect, I filled with experiments, in my education, journeys, travels, relationships, quiet sometimes with death, martial arts, my good will, possessions, obsessions, sleep, sedatives, health, crucially I did experiments with my love and job.  And I went bankrupt in both. 

                It is said that ‘if something happens once will not happen again but if it’s twice, for sure the third time’.  And I succeeded in few things once and holy crap, it’s never happening again.  And all my failures, I do not have a count of it. 

Ok! Am I going to stop my experiments? No, never.

Why?  For x, y, z reasons that has became a part of my mannerism and attitude.  Or at least it my life, just one life, I do not want give chances of doing experiments with to anybody else, but me.

I could hear you say “Bloody, if you don’t change you will suck”. Hmm! Let me do some experiments with that too ;)  All is well.

Waiting for a return…

'My Chubby boy, I am waiting for you to come back from your astral travel.   You’re still at 4 in my mind' 

I know, before I continue I should tell you three things.  One, who is the boy I am talking about?  My cousin, who was 4 years old in 2005 and 4 even now. 4 years even now? Yes. Two, what is astral travel? It is believed, during we sleep, we can get out from the physical body and wander around this world in our astral body, and that’s why when we see some people we think “Oh! I saw this guy somewhere!” or when we go to some unknown place we say “I have seen this place already”.

Three, what made me write this? This could be a long answer.  It will be someone who will hurt you, whom you never thought of hurting or will never think of hurting.  It will be someone who hesitate you, whom you will never hesitate in your life, the one you want to live with.  It will be someone who will not look at you, whom you never ever want to keep your eyes out of them.  These are the ground rules of Love.  Okay, one such hesitation, hurt, which had had put me in melancholy which in turn made me eyes closed, silent in my train and eyes closed in silence resulted in nostalgia.


He has a peculiar name, numerologists and astrologist calculated hell lot of things and the latter gave him the starting letter and the former, the name.  Danusha – that's the name.  He is the guy who cheated the experience doctors and may be the God too.  When he was a fetus, doctors said his left leg is shorter than right but when he came to this world doctors didn’t believed their analysis sucked, and he was a perfect baby.  When he was growing, the naughtiest child I ever saw.  When he was 2.5 years I was playing with him.  I do not know that he was hungry.  I was holding him in arms and I was talking to someone.  Ouch! It was painful, he has bitten me in my chest, in my nipple.  Hmm, most painful happenings are our sweetest memories.


It was when he was 3 years, I took him and went around for a walk and stood in the entrance gate of my home, by then he started to speak, with his lovely voice.  When I was talking with him something, he suddenly he shouted at a pretty girl walking by the road, “Akka, Akka, My Anna” He said and kissed me.  She smiled at me and walked away.  Oh God! In a minute I was shocked but with that kiss he mesmerized me and I should say, that girl too.


Before he joined school, our family separated, and me and my boy too were separated a 25km.  He started going to school, and I heard that he had never ever hesitated to go to school or not even a day he cried.  Slowly he learnt to dial my landline number and sometimes immediately after coming from school he used to call our landline number to talk to me and my mom.  We were very happy about those moments he dialed by himself and his sweet voice.  It gave us Goosebumps, even now when I think about what he spoke.


To trust God, you should be a child and to be in love you should be childish.  His love! God! Even God in person cannot give.


He fell sick, when lakhs of currencies was sleeping, few hundred was spent for his viral fever (as said by doctor) and one day suddenly fever vanished, he was perfectly alright.  I heard from my aunt that, on that day, he was talking, talking and talking full day, kidding his mom, laughing, giggling.  And that was the day when I was in train, my mobile phone rang and I picked and I heard a voice telling he is no more, that was his last day, after his talking and kidding he went unconscious and has not come back.  I saw his rose body buried in the mud.  I never allowed him to play in the mud, but now I cannot stop mud playing with him.  What bull shit life, what holy-crap, god.  I lost faith; I lost faith in life and so-called God.  Though I regained my faith, whenever I think about my Danusha, I will have a second thought on believing God.


Few weeks back, after my visit to an orphanage, Roshini; we, all family went to a temple.  My uncle or Danusha’s father was sitting back and I was sitting next to the auto driver, he started talking about property and money et cetra.  I never had interest in listening to him, since after the death of Danusha.  As the auto speeded by thoughts traveled back to the days I played with my boy, a part of my soul, and the day we buried him, and suddenly another kid came into my mind, Magesh, who I saw in the orphanage, who was sick more than orphan, who reminded my boy.  Auto driver hard pressed the break and gave me shock to come out of my nostalgia.  Auto stopped, and I was shocked, I saw Danusha standing before the auto.  It took about 30 seconds to come out of the scene what I saw.  When I realized the reality, it was a small boy who was playing in the road stopped the auto to cross the road.


Everybody said, Danuha is dead when we buried him.  I don’t believe in death.  He left his body and he is in his astral travel.  And I am just waiting for him to come back to me, as my own boy.
Okay.  What is the relationship between the hesitation of someone and this nostalgic effect?  I do not want to tell what relationship, but, yes, there is a relation.

Do not be Human…

“The first defeat of the day starts in the morning when you postpone the time you wake up” a thought, which I read in facebook kindled me, made me woke up early in the morning today, I thought  I should delete this thought from my brain, Gosh, too tough to get up early in the morning.

Okay, so what happened as a result of me getting up early is, I caught a crowded train.  “Oh God, now because of a bloody thought I have to stand for 1hr” I thought.   Train speeded at 25km/hr; what non-sense measurement is this, called speed, 100km/hr is called as speed and even 10km/hr is also called speed.  Oh! There is another word called ‘fast’ and the same hypothesis applies for it too.  Okay forget it.  

After two three stations a couple got in and they stood next to me near the door.  Since I was totally immersed with my book I could not hear what they spoke each other.  But I could feel that she was bit aggressively talking about some family interim issues.  Her voice softened suddenly, She said, she was not able stand.  It took some time for me to take my eyes out of the book and observer that she is carrying.  She caught hold of her husband’s shoulder and leaned on his bosom.  Now, I could observer her pain because in 30 minutes standing, my back started hurting, so I could feel the pain of a woman who is carrying a baby carefully within her.  I could not control myself to see her painful face, so I moved and gave some space and asked her to move inside so that somebody will give her seat to sit.  She moved between the seats along with her husband’s hand in her hand. 

I was keen on who is goanna give seat for her and for my wonder nobody did so, even after seeing her pain.  “Bloody people, carrying the fetus of laziness in the brain” I thought.  She again whispered in her husband’s ears that she could not stand.  I could not shout at somebody to get up because we live in a bloody democratic, human-rights valued country and it’s their wish to get up or not to give seat.  I became restless and even thought of telling her husband why the hell you want her to get in to this train, why cannot you wait for few more minutes for the next.  But I stopped myself. 

Now, why do I say do not be human?  We Homo sapiens say we are supreme among the creations and name ourselves ‘rational-animal’.  May be not all are bad, and you “not-bad” people do not reflect the society.  And my dear rest of the ‘not-all’, do not be just humans, do not be just a rational-animal, raise up to a different level, sometimes you can even thinking of being a Mom, a Dad, a women carrying a little fetus, and why not you can even think in the shoes of God. 

Back to the scene:  few minutes train stopped in a station before the destination station, few Homo sapiens got down and a future mother got her seat and I am happy.

Do not be Just Humans.

-Sat