My Soul and Soul mate

I heard the sound of the footstep growing louder in the steps, I stopped.  In fact I did not realize that I stopped, and the reason I stopped I know not. It is the beat of the broken piece of my heart, the other pole of my heart – which always repel.  Every minute cell of my mortal body has frozen, but my soul was heated up with what it was searching for centuries.  I know my soul mate is around and my soul know she is its mate, the soul which could make my soul complete.

 I was on my knees; she was standing in front of me with no smile, no angry but with all doubt of this world.  I tried all possible ways to prove her that I am no wrong but none worked.  Tears rolled downed from her eyes I took my hand to stop it, she hesitated.  She looked beautiful even in that dark night, a night filled with the love of full moon.  The moon seemed no white, no beautiful to me and my enchantress standing before me looked thousands times beautiful than that moon because she glows by herself not like the moon which kidnaps the light from the earth.  She didn’t believe me, not even for one single beat of my heart.  She thought it’s just tissues or muscles or cells which slept in my ribs and how did she fail to know it never slept and it’s the shadow of her heart.  I touched her finger; softness of a new born, freshness of raindrop embraced me.  She pulled her hand away from me and wiped her tears.  I bent down to her foot and kissed her just to tell her I do not have any ego ’it’s your lips or foot it’s all sacred for me, I do not have any ego’.  She drew herself back and turned away from the moon which so far embracing her with its shameless lights.  I caught her hands, she released herself from my hand and started to walk and when she walked to a distance I shouted ‘believe me’ and by the time she stopped and turned to me, my dagger used my chest as its scabbard she came running towards me and all I remember was only that few steps she took running towards me… 

I do not know when this happened, and in my which incarnation but I know after that that incarnation came to an end I was longing for her for centuries and so far she didn’t realized that it’s her  who had not believed me and she was my half soul and she repels still.  I do not know what the mistake I was trying to prove her that I am no wrong but she; my soul mate.  

I promised her that I am walking away from her sight, now I could not turn to look at her; I dwelled in to complete silence my urge to turn and look at her increased rapidly but I do not want to do because I might hurt her with my saccades.  And I am right it’s my soul walked down from the steps the same lady whom I kissed in her foot to apologize, to tell her that I have no ego which she didn’t believe then and I believed even now.  I walked few steps and turned to look at her walking.  The same walk of beloved, my enchantress, the Venus, my soul who walked releasing her from my hand. 

I felt like going on my knees again, kiss her foot and tell her ‘I still love you, I am born again for you” and ask her “tell me what happened after the moment I stabbed myself?” – All these things are goanna happen not.  She walked with the same agony, thousand virtual swords torn me in to pieces.  I wanted to shout ‘believe me I am you and you’re me’ and use my chest as the scabbard again and see her come running towards me.  I can wait for another incarnation.

I quickly walked since I promised her I am walking out of her sight but forgot to tell her that that promise is just for this incarnation or until she breaks it.  

I was in an total tranquility, nothing seems to move around me but the image of the moon, my angel, my dagger came to my mind again and again as if it has happened yesterday but I know that had happened and even if that is goanna happen again I will be ready to take another incarnation.  A calm pang caressed me along with the light cold air of the night, I want to cry like hell, shout the same shout which I did before that death.

I laughed.  But I laughed; I do not know the reason.  With all that pangs, I laughed like an insane and I now know it’s not the tears alone the outcome of pain, sometimes the laughter.

It rained...

Certainly these are not my words I do not from where this comes, blessed by love or the almighty; anyways it’s one and the same.  But all those words, my dreams, are scattered like the sprinkled water on the rose buds though I could gather them still it is not complete.

It is not her fault to hold a rainbow in black, may be of the creators.  And an arrow, sharpness to its most, carrying voltage in thousands, came striking me and I believed air conducts electricity.  I know the arrow is from that rainbow.  That invisible arrow which stroked me made me blind, numb.  I tried very hard to open my eyes but it was painful.  I opened my eyes and it was euphoric I was floating in a lovely blue sea, I am not swimming still I am floating and moving.  Never saw such a wonderful experience of floating in a sea.  It was very cold there, very low in temperature and I tried to swim with all my hard effort but it looked very easy to swim and consuming not any of my energy and allowing me not to dwell into any of the fear of water.   I swam in that euphoric for miles to gather, the feel has nothing to compare with, I never heard about such a sea in this mortal world.  What is happening with me was a big question but I cared my least, it was soothing.  

Miles after I swam it darkened, I thought sun is goanna rest and lovely moon is goanna come up.  It darkened still I do not want to come out of the sea; I searched for the shore but could not find in any of the thousand directions, it did not bother me because I was happy.  I didn’t see any sun resting or moon dawning.  Where am I? Am I still alive or swimming in the heaven? Those where the questions which I could answer not but I was not worried about the answers because I was happy, alike what a mother will feel in her first breast feeding, what a father would feel in his child’s first kiss, alike a girls pondering heart in the first caress with her soul mate, shadow after a long walk in sun, water after years of thirst. 

I slowly swam in that sea.  Out of joy I could not control my tears; I then slowly closed my eyes, as slow as clouds embrace.  Tears rolled inside my lashes. 

I tried opening my eyes once I was consoled and when I was able to control the most euphoric moment of my soul.  It rained.

Sun light hurt me; I was standing in the same place before I was pulled into that sea.  I realized what had happened – for the very first time she saw me, I have fallen in her eyes.  It rained.

I could not control my emotions to the situation and I want to hold my tears which were trying to jump out of my lashes.  In the quest to stop it I closed my eyes and it rained in my cheeks.  It rained.

One second…

It ran in a ravine which is very narrow, faster than light, furious than a panther.  The ravine was totally empty, filled with emptiness; the one which sped in it has no name and no color, no odor.  The ravine twisted, twirled. Its speed doubled abnormally and the tissues sticking the ravine vibrated.  It started from the convexity which absorbed the beauty which made that nameless, odorless thing to speed in that empty ravine.  In half a second it reached its destination; a place reason for everything, a place which knows everything, a place with holds all the past, present and images of the future – the devil is in the detail.  

The next half second I was at the cliff of a tallest mountain peak, which is fathomless below.  I slowly moved towards the edge, slowly alike a snail.  One step more I will measure the fathomless.  I want to step that one-foot-more to fall and fall into the dumps, to never come up, to break every part of my mortal body, to stop the shape-of-the-difficulty which pumps the red water all over the body carrying the air which I inhaled in the name of God, in the name of love.  I didn’t moved, but all my veins, all my nerves – the ravine – had taken that step forward and virtually everything had fallen into the abyss during which they plucked my shape-of-the-difficulty – my heart – along with them to throw it into the abyss. 

All these will never take more than a second.  An unknown ruthless beauty which spares me not, with a mesmerizing fragrance which nostrils seldom feel, nerves seldom conducts to the brain, but heart slips a beat for it.

 

Deep in the abyss, heart – the shape-of-difficulty – still beats and slips one beat in-between for an immortal beauty, the love.   Abyss was not filled with animosity; it is a trance world where I am immigrated to, to see my angel holding my hand and fly in the romantic air, where there is nothing called pain, nothing called sorrow, nothing called sin but crush is goodness, lust is godliness, kiss is the door-knock to this trance world.  

In another one second something rolled me into a ball and thrown me out of that abyss which I never want to come out, I was traveling at the speed of light which should thrash me into pieces but didn’t because in trance world it is the lowest speed I travel. I was back thrashing this mortal world. 

All this, everything, happened in one second, a trance second before I realized what is happening with me – she walked crossing me.

Learning Love

Bitterness, animosity what else the English names it, the feel finally ends up in washing cheeks.  Love the word widely used for centuries in stories, mails, blogs, books, speeches, etc still it hasn’t lost its glamor.  Passion of one in goodness and happiness of someone, we call it a love.  Love is a passion, an urge to revitalize the soul.  If you believe in something called Love, then you need to in soul, believe everything has a soul.  Only soul could consume the love not the tissues build up of cells and the symbol of the love or the heart.  Heart is directly connected to the divine, you do not know why it beats when you can artificially pump blood and why it stops though one cannot get your life back fixing a pace-maker to a dead.  There is something between the heart and the brain, the soul.  

Love need not be proved, reciprocated, named.  It’s above expectations, you need not expect the love in return but the expectation is the key which keeps the poles in their place, the attraction is the key.  Love is the force which keeps the earth and the other universe in their place not to dwell into the powerful sun, the divine.  

You need not prove your guts; you need not prove your courage.  People say love favors the brave, aha, love is not a war between men and women, and it’s the gravity that attracts but keeps the things in their place.  Love has nothing to do with courage in fact it better to be coward in love so that you allow the divine presence to manifest in you and allow the love to teach you to be courageous.  Do not push yourself to be courageous in love it will turn to be a self advertisement which is not of any use in love. 

You try to be courageous in love and when you slip a while in attracting the opposite sex, a feel of vengeance, courage to take revenge inhabit in your brain but not in your heart.  Hearts know only to love it is totally out of the worldly things like vengeance and anger. 

Aha, and few talks about unconditional love and only few understands what is unconditional love.  True, love is unconditional.  Forget not, expecting nothing from someone you know is a no-problem but expecting nothing from the one you love is like assessing them as if they can do their least and only little they could do to satisfy the love you have, the love they hold.  Still love is unconditional, expecting something is not love it is human nature.  Then is unconditional love?  It is something you show when you face a situation when you do not get what you expect from your beloved one’s and what is that you react to the situation shows whether you hold a unconditional love.  Do not blindly believe in unconditional love and start loving someone, and then love itself will become a burden.   You need not expect even love as a response; this too is such a situation where your beloved ones fail to meet your expectation. 

Who am I to talk about love!  If somebody could explain love in few ASCII characters then the word love itself would have not perished this long centuries and that’s the beauty of love.  Only a broken heart knows what not love is though it cannot understand what love is.  To understand what love is, love everything around you, every living being, every non living thing which helps you, and every living non living thing too.

To know what love is; learn what not love is.

I didn't turn...

The place where I uttered my first word to you, my angel, you were there today chanting your usual spells on others, I was not bound to that spell because I didn’t see the wand. The same place when I wanted the details of you existence, you crooned something which I could hear but was in a mood of trance that nothing has been registered in my virtual note but your glowing eyes with a shield and the irreplaceable crown which your wand holds.  

I was put in a situation like a mother who could feel the kick practice of the child in the womb, could feel what all happens to it but could not see its charming face though she carries her inside, though the baby is her a part of her blood, body and soul – I didn’t turn to you.  

The oscillation of my hormones and my miniature cells - not going down to the details because devil is in the detail – grabs me to turn back to look at the angel standing behind and the past in which I lived in dumps grabs me not to turn – a war between hell and the heaven.  I sat in the middle of cold water and hot larva wherein the either of will kill me and thrash me into pieces.  My eye sight went blur and the technical chaos before me went out of my mind, I was concentrating not on my technical chaos but on the spells my angel keeps chanting – the ritual of love.  

Blurred vision worsened, it has became dark and black, could it be the hell where I am killing my own soul in the burning love or the heaven where I am drinking the poison of crush.  The black turned slowly to pale blue, my fairy world which I built, for my angel and me to be by her side.  I saw her, sitting alone waiting for me; I could not see her glittering face, her broken wand because she was sitting facing not me.  I started walking towards her, she was in her lavender costume filling the air with romance and love and that was the romance which could break me in to thousands pieces of water sprinkle and that was the love which could make a holy elixir.  It started raining, the blessings from heaven, and the blessings from all the acolytes of the immortal presence.  I wondered the droplets haven’t distract my vision, and haven’t make me wet.  She turned to a side; I could see a part of my soul, a part of her face.  The Intense romance in the air hypnotized me and I want to close my eyes and cry, shed all my suffering of love in my tears so that it would disappear in the rain.  I went close to my angel in lavender, now I want to go on my knee, take her flowery foot in my hand and kiss there but I am still not close to her.  I walked close to her I went on my knee, called her by a name, she started turning to me and I felt a tap on my hand.  It was a tap by a creature of the immortal, could not blame the hands which tapped since I might never come back from my trance, my world to this materialistic world. 

I saw you, my angel walking away from me, without even uttering a spell on me, without even blessing me a saccade.  I tried to come back to normal and went back to the day when I asked your existence the same place, the same time almost.  

All that I love seldom comes near; all that I hate seldom gets lost.

Embedded wand of an Enchantress

No author chooses the title; it’s the tile that chooses its author.  Being said that - the title that has chosen me

‘Embedded wand of an Enchantress’

Probably that was the first time I shouted a feminine name along with the crowd and the only name I liked the very first moment.  The concept of soul mate or the feminine part of my soul – I saw. ‘The powerful, light blended, vision’ I thought ‘could kill me in a second, so that the master has given it a transparent scabbard’. 

And the Wand, horizontally broken, which could croon – beautiful! Wand could croon – the spell which I heard very least but made me dwell into a fairy’s world.  Yes the fairy’s world – euphoric blue all around and my enchantress in the middle in her white lovely costume – a real fairy in the real world.  It is a wand which is honey blended, carved with immortal spells on it which need not be  spelled by the wand or the enchantress itself rather, I felt, just look at it once, more and enough to get hypnotized.  

It is a complaining wand, which I think cursed me with pure love and taught me the art of loneliness.  It was once, I was close to my enchantress, lot of spells she waved in the air but nothing had had an effect on me, know why! I didn’t listen to the spell but before that I just saw the carvings on the wand for the very first time and my eye struggled to move out of it though my heart pondered with the fear of a curse from her.  It seems, Epigraphist hiding inside me read those carving and because of that I was mesmerized or hypnotized, not sure thou, possibly I went to trance state.

That does not happen most times but once I wanted to get mesmerized with the spell of that enchanting wand.  I went near the enchantress to fake a sorry, because I used a black magic to enchant the enchantress.  That was a croon I heard, a very short spell for my life time “that’s ok” with the feminine blend.  Only I and my enchantress close to each other, but separated by lucky wooden furniture.    She blessed me with a second of blossom, wondered a wand could bloom too! That was the magical gift my enchantress gave me for my life time.   

Dear my enchantress that was for my life time, you have spelled a magical chant on me to dwell in my loneliness with you in my heart.

 

You do not belong to this world filled with witchcraft.  You belong to my fairy world – doors are opened always.

Being alone, dwelling in to the feel that I miss my enchantress is not a curse, my enchantress, it’s euphoria. 

Anybody who is, was enchanted could understand what I mean.

Meditation

These days, before I start writing something I analyze, reanalyze and think about all matrix and finally drop the plan of executing things, because, these days I am more concerned about the ‘likes’ and ‘comments’ in facebook, online comments in the blog and offline comments which I do not want to screw.  The problem is that I am afraid of negative comments; it’s the fear factor which I know will never allow me to grow.  When we need to commune with God (do not question me where is God, alike everybody I do not know) we need to equally prepare for the testing He puts on us; likewise the negative comments are the testing.  Now that I confessed I could talk my mind I feel. 

Wow! Confessions are always an awesome relief factor.

Coming to the point,

I didn’t remember how long it has been I have completely surrendered to the meditation which I had done yesterday.  It is a temple, a place where a saint, a guru, an eternal soul was buried.   These places generally gives us some peace of mind or at least will invoke silence in mind because the reason we believe the soul resting there is divine and always looks after us in astral body.  Cool breeze, peaceful ambience, no deadline for the day, no work gave me complete rest in mind.  I decided to meditate for some time.  I closed my eyes and aimed not to think anything, but immediately when I closed my eyes my favorite’s image (for whom I was not) came to mind.  I know that would put me in too deep dumps so I opened my eyes and iterated the same for many a time but failed.  Now, the wisdom I got from books showed up its pages, to close my eyes, let the mind wander where ever it likes to, calm down, listen to the heart let it speak all negative things about you, slowly it will turn to be silent and tranquil, once it completes whatever it wants to speak finally it goes numb - may be because you’re not interrupting it and listening to whatever it speaks.  We can also try this in practical life - when you keep listening to whatever the other person talks about you, at one point of time all those talking-noise turns to be silent and he cannot talk anything bad about you seeing your patience (or possibly he might think it useless to talk).

Finally I was able to concentrate, mind was empty and I was still.  I went deep into my subconscious mind to recollect what has been there, it is a dumb recorder which records everything you see, listen, read and write.  Your hippocampus sometimes won’t store few things but subconscious does that and suddenly sometimes plays back and screw you.  Okay, my subconscious retrieved all those which I screwed badly, people I came across, my favorites, my internal world, my astral world etc., but one good thing it always tells me the learning I had had from past situations.  Listening to subconscious also need to be eliminated to concentrate in meditation, I succeeded that too.  My mind was totally blind and searching for what do next.  This is the problem with my mind; whenever it goes blank it searches for what next. 

When everything went blind, a million dollar question came to my mind, what is meditation?  

Ouch, I do not know.   But I chose meditation to commune with God and the nature.  I want to talk to nature or at least the God.  I do not know how to do that, and then I found a way started speaking to the eternal pure soul resting there.  I started complaining to the pure soul what are things happened to me, to my life and things I screwed.  I started talking internally to the astral soul alike my complaining heart, every negative thing for which I cannot find solutions – I spoke to that pure soul resting.  Slowly my complaints stopped, it turned to prayers.  I prayed for everybody I knew.  For the new soul came to this world and the to those one which is goanna come to this world, I prayed for my friends – I prayed for them to get what I want them to get since I do not really know what they need, my parents, my siblings, my brothers and sister who were not born with me but still my brothers and sister, for my wonder I remembered few of my facebook friends for whom I prayed good health.  There is no end to any prayer if it has, it is not a prayer.  We need to abruptly end any prayer so that you will remember where to start the next time.  I suddenly remembered something on occultism where you can get out of your body in an astral form and could see what all you can see with your naked eyes.  I tried to do that, few visions came to my mind – lady walking in a blue saree – old women in red, praying – two kids in there frock – old man sitting next to a lady looking around and many other things I saw.  Now I need to check whether whatever I saw really exist there.  I opened my eyes, I found it was almost 30 minutes I was Psychophrenic and was totally in different world altogether. I found my eyes wet do not know reason what.  I saw a women in blue saree, but not exactly the same saree that I saw in my astral view, other than that I could not find anything else which I thought I was watching in my astral travel.  It seems a dog was sleeping next to me for a very long time. 

When my mom came after her physical astral travel ( go around the temple) came sat next to me and said ‘ a young lady came to you to give you chocolate and was calling you and waiting very long time for you to open your eyes, but you didn’t so I got the chocolate from her’.  This could be the first time in my life I didn’t give my eyes to a young lady. 

I thought for a while what am I doing for the past 30 minutes, am I meditating? Am I praying? Or I was Phychopherenic? God knows.